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My co-workers and friends cannot understand why I turn down or sometimes even cancel dates. They think I should put my feelings aside and give the person a chance. I strongly disagree and I will explain why.

I have spent half of my life, looking for the love of my life. I have turned my life upside down, preparing for dates, hoping to meet Prince Charming. I have spent countless hours, shopping and getting my hair done, as us women often do, anticipating and looking forward to a single date. The butterflies are fluttering and I am confident all will go well.

The day finally arrives.

Upon arrival of the planned meeting place and the initial introductions, there is immediate weirdness. The awkwardness of sitting across from a complete stranger, trying to force unwanted conversation sets in. I’m an introvert, so it makes these encounters, that much more unbearable.

So, while I am sitting there picking at my food,  trying to discreetly look at my watch, the disappointment sinks in. There is absolutely nothing between us. No sparks, no excitement of going through this again. Nothing! Just this long, never ending dinner.

Finally, the date is over. Hallelujah! I can politely thank this person for enduring such an uncomfortable evening with me and depart into my much needed solitude, because after all of this, I am socially drained. I will seep into my comfort zone, only to do it all again, weeks later.

The disappointment has always been excruciating.

It doesn’t matter if I’m into the guy or not. Either two things occur. I find the guy attractive, but he’s a player, with no intentions of seriously dating one woman, or I am uninterested and the guy is completely smitten with me. I am then forced to hurt his feelings, which I hate doing. I would rather be the recipient of disappointment. It’s easier than giving it.

There have been the few occasions where the date went extremely well, but shortly after, the relationship took off entirely too fast. Though chemistry was evident and strong, later I found the relationship lacked the emotional attachment I longed for, ending in disappointment, yet again.

The thought of going through all of this, makes me physically sick. I just can’t do it. There has got to be more than all of this.

Plus, I have finally reached a place, where for once, I am content with myself. I am discovering I actually like myself. Who knew?! Maybe I need to discover more about myself and I am perfectly ok with that.

Eventually, I hope to meet someone who appreciates all that I am and will take time getting to know me, on a much deeper level. Until then, I will continue dating solitude. It understands me.

Penelope

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Growing up, my life’s dream, was to find the love of my life and to simply be happy. Not once, did I dream of raising three children alone. 

Being a single mother, I have faced much persecution. Not only from the judgemental thoughts of others, but from the feelings of failure, I have given myself. Life didn’t turn out like I dreamt it would be and the reality is, it’s mostly my fault. 

I should have loved and valued myself more. I should have listened to my heart and waited for the one who treasured it most. But, I didn’t. Life happened and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to be. I transformed myself into what I thought others  wanted me to be. 

Thank God, I am no longer that person. 

Last night, I was feeling a little down. A friend shared a few negative opinions, others had spoken about me. It was the typical, single mother stereo type. I shrugged it off to my friends, but secretly, it really bothered me. Not because I believed their opinions to be true, but because they failed to see the opposite. 

This afternoon, still feeling a little down from the night before, I received this letter. It is from one of my daughter’s teachers. As I read the letter, I couldn’t help but cry. This woman knows nothing about me, but through the actions of my child, she felt the need to thank and praise me, for raising such a respectable daughter. 

Reading those words, makes all of my unseen sacrifices, worth it. 

Single mother, you are enough! Your unnoticed efforts, make a BIG difference in your child’s life. Keep being their biggest fan. Instill into your kids, the integrity and self respect you wish to see in the world. Shape them into a kinder, more compassionate people. Help them to achieve their dreams and goals, by believing in them. 

I know your sacrifices and you are fabulous! 

Penelope 

I’ve gotta be me, you’ve gotta be you. Never would I change, two hearts that are true.

Difference of opinion, stop and contemplate, wouldn’t want the friendship any other way.

Penelope

As Mother’s Day approaches, I am overwhelmed with an endearing appreciation for my God-fearing mama. We may not see eye to eye on many topics and issues, but her love is a constant, for which my heart and soul depend upon.

Many years ago, while shopping at the mall for a Mother’s Day gift, I entered a Christian book store. As I began looking at the different artwork hanging on the wall, I came across a poem called “The Warrior.” As I began to read the poem, my eyes filled with tears and I was engulfed by a wave of heartfelt emotion. As I stood there reading, I saw my mama in that poem, and for the first time, I finally understood her prayers said for me.

Even now, as I read this poem, my heart is filled with emotion and love for my dear, sweet mama. If not for her prayers, God only knows where I’d be.

I love you mama.

Your daughter,

Penelope


Sometimes there are no words, only tears. Tears shed for the disappointments of both past and present. Tears shed for an enduring heart, which bleeds for its happy ending. Tears that bring comfort and understanding, without uttering a single word. And tears to wash away all grievances, in hopes of a brighter day. 

So today, I allow myself to cry.

Penelope 

I’m awkward, you’re awkward, weird, and strange, too.  What a catastrophic mess, the things we do. 

Uncommon bond, ignited by soul and mind. Intuition and faith, find its due time. 

Uniquely different, yet oddly the same. The perfect definition of ying and yang. 

Tortmented in the wanting of this devine circumstance, more comfortable to leaving things as mere happenchance.                                               

Penelope