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My co-workers and friends cannot understand why I turn down or sometimes even cancel dates. They think I should put my feelings aside and give the person a chance. I strongly disagree and I will explain why.

I have spent half of my life, looking for the love of my life. I have turned my life upside down, preparing for dates, hoping to meet Prince Charming. I have spent countless hours, shopping and getting my hair done, as us women often do, anticipating and looking forward to a single date. The butterflies are fluttering and I am confident all will go well.

The day finally arrives.

Upon arrival of the planned meeting place and the initial introductions, there is immediate weirdness. The awkwardness of sitting across from a complete stranger, trying to force unwanted conversation sets in. I’m an introvert, so it makes these encounters, that much more unbearable.

So, while I am sitting there picking at my food,  trying to discreetly look at my watch, the disappointment sinks in. There is absolutely nothing between us. No sparks, no excitement of going through this again. Nothing! Just this long, never ending dinner.

Finally, the date is over. Hallelujah! I can politely thank this person for enduring such an uncomfortable evening with me and depart into my much needed solitude, because after all of this, I am socially drained. I will seep into my comfort zone, only to do it all again, weeks later.

The disappointment has always been excruciating.

It doesn’t matter if I’m into the guy or not. Either two things occur. I find the guy attractive, but he’s a player, with no intentions of seriously dating one woman, or I am uninterested and the guy is completely smitten with me. I am then forced to hurt his feelings, which I hate doing. I would rather be the recipient of disappointment. It’s easier than giving it.

There have been the few occasions where the date went extremely well, but shortly after, the relationship took off entirely too fast. Though chemistry was evident and strong, later I found the relationship lacked the emotional attachment I longed for, ending in disappointment, yet again.

The thought of going through all of this, makes me physically sick. I just can’t do it. There has got to be more than all of this.

Plus, I have finally reached a place, where for once, I am content with myself. I am discovering I actually like myself. Who knew?! Maybe I need to discover more about myself and I am perfectly ok with that.

Eventually, I hope to meet someone who appreciates all that I am and will take time getting to know me, on a much deeper level. Until then, I will continue dating solitude. It understands me.

Penelope

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