I am a conflicted soul, torn with good intentions. There is a battle being fought, between my old self and the awakening of someone new. The new self is someone I can admire and respect. She is a seeker of God’s will, seeping with purpose and integrity. The old self is fighting to keep control. Change is unwelcomed. All possibilities must be abolished.

Why do I want to better myself? Isn’t self-hate and loathing part of the package? This is all I’ve ever known. Finding temporary fixes, with temporary people. None caring what I see or feel. It is a me, verses them, kinda world.

I’ve had so called friends, they knew of one weakness. A caring heart that gives, but never takes. Men, they flattered, some were convincing. Time told a greater truth and revealed false words spoken. There were signs, I just ignored them.

Disappointment, a familiar, but unwanted friend. Where is the love? None was shown, in all referenced above.

Alcohol, it’s sometimes soothing. It numbs the pain…sometimes. It’s fun to be carefree and to pretend life isn’t unpleasant. The morning after, says something entirely different. My reflection in the mirror asks, “What have you done?” I don’t even recognize myself.

You’re a stranger to the woman hiding inside. The one fighting to break free. She is broken and bruised, yet does the right things.

She has ended those relationships, with uncaring friends and men. Searching for something greater, to wash away the sin. Her life has new meaning, because she is caring and true. It has been a long journey, but she is making her way back to you.

God of mercy, continue your work in me. Guide this woman and set her free. A servant of whatever, you have called her to do. A soul on fire, that longs for you.

Faithful, but still falling short of my weaknesses.

Penelope

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